I’m stuck between wanting:
1. A long lasting relationship with my soulmate who supports me and protects me and is my partner and we are completely bad ass together and in love
2. Wanting to have casual sex and rip out the heart of everyone person I meet
3. Being independent and having a loyal dog while I’m married to my career
In your life, you meet people. Some you never think about again. Some, you wonder what happened to them. There are some that you wonder if they ever think about you. And then there are some you wish you never had to think about again. But you do.
When I say I want to travel I don’t mean I want to stay at resorts and go on tours with tour guides or buy key chains from souvenir shops. I don’t want to be a tourist. When I say I want to travel I mean I want to explore another country and become part of it. I want to discover small coffee shops in Germany and Italy and France. I want to walk on beaches in Australia and browse the book stores of England. I want to hike the Great Wall of China and go cliff diving in Hawaii I want to meet people who are not like me, but people who I can like all the same. I want to take pictures of things and places and people I meet. I want my mind to be in constant awe of life on earth. I want to see things with new eyes. I want to look at a map and be able to remember how I was transformed by the places I’ve been to the things I’ve seen and the people I’ve met. I want to come home and realize that I have not come home whole but have left a piece of my heart in each place I have been. This, I think, is what is at the heart of Adventure and this is why I plan on making my life one.
Ha, what do I want. That’s the first time i’ve been asked that question by anyone in months. You wanna know what i want? I want a text saying “hey, i’m coming over tonight and we’re gonna have a great night” from anyone, literally anyone. I want a hug, i literally don’t remember the last time i’ve gotten a hug. Not one of those friend hugs you give when you see a friend. I mean a hug that you feel embraced and you’re in someones arms and you can feel someone actually giving a shit about you. I want that kind of hug. I want to be driving around at 2am showing someone my favorite places, holding their hand. I want to take someone to my favorite river and cliff diving spots here in Lancaster and have the best day of my life, crack a few beers, take some cool pictures, get kissed. I want a fucking mother fucking goddamn kiss. I want to be kissed. I want to feel what its like getting kissed again for the first time. Probably so many butterflies. I want a text at 3am saying, i really care about you and i’d do anything to show you how much i care, what can i do? And then have them in my driveway shortly after. I want to feel wanted again, i dont think i’ve felt wanted in almost 9 months. Maybe more. I want to be taken out on a date. A proper, dress nice, someone opens the car door for me, date. I’ve never been on a proper date. I want someone who i miss so much when im not around them, or someone i want to see so badly that i drive to them in the middle of the night just to kiss them. We all know i’ve done it before… i’m infamous for driving 3 hours to see someone for 5 minutes. I want that.
I want to feel wanted and loved and cared about and i’m a needy piece of shit but what can i say. That’s what i want.
I no longer have the energy for meaningless friendships, forced interactions or unnecessary conversations.